Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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