You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
