Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
