i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
