you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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