Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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