hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
