She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
