i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
