I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
