I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
