Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
