I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
