can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
