I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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