We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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