Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
