I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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