Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
