I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
