Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
