I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it wasn't lemon gatorade
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
