I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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