??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I just sharted jello shots
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize