I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
