I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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