This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
