Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
