you have to choose: penises or morals?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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