i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
bring money and cleavage
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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