i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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