i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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