hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
