problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
the condom got lost in my hair
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
FUCK WHALES
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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