It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
