They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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