I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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