standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
