I cut my penus on the lid.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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