i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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