Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
