This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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