the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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