Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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