I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize