My sheets look like a crime scene.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
