I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
