i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
