i would punch a child for taco bell
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
