'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
