Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He shit in the fireplace
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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