I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just found puke in my bra..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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