drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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