Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
