Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
