i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
